LuMa Cafe

LuMa Cafe Vibrant cafe in the heart of St Helier
(1)

🚨🚨 Mat (chef) HAS OFFICIALLY LOST THE PLOT. 🚨Our absolute LOOSE CANNON of a chef has only gone and come up with this…And...
25/09/2026

🚨🚨 Mat (chef) HAS OFFICIALLY LOST THE PLOT. 🚨

Our absolute LOOSE CANNON of a chef has only gone and come up with this…

And honestly… this is all we have to say. 😂

🍗 FRIED CHICKEN
🍫 FKING NUTELLA**
🧀 YANK CHEESE
🥓 SMOKY MAPLE STREAKY BACON

Yep. You read that correctly.
FRIED CHICKEN. NUTELLA. CHEESE. BACON.

Is it madness? Absolutely.
Is he nuts? Without question.
Do we love him to the core? 100%. ❤️😂

He’s pure energy, pure chaos and one hell of a character with the weirdest charm imaginable. And somehow, amongst all the madness, he keeps coming up with things that make us go…

“Fk it. Let’s put it on the menu.”** 🤣🔥

So there you have it.

IT’S ON THE SPECIALS MENU. AS OF NOW.

Come and judge us.
Come and judge him.
But most importantly…

COME AND EAT IT. 🍗🍫🥓🧀

🎄🚨 RIGHT, LISTEN UP YOU FESTIVE LITTLE HORNDOGS… 🚨🎄We KNOW it’s not Christmas yet.We KNOW it’s only September.And quite ...
24/09/2026

🎄🚨 RIGHT, LISTEN UP YOU FESTIVE LITTLE HORNDOGS… 🚨🎄

We KNOW it’s not Christmas yet.
We KNOW it’s only September.
And quite frankly, we don’t care. 😂

Our completely normal, definitely not an elf kitchen colleague has been skiving off all morning under the highly suspicious excuse of “working on the Christmas menu”…

Apparently he’s been “mastering some beauties”.

👀 And judging by what’s coming out of that kitchen… he’s been putting in a LOT of effort.

We’ve got some seriously filthy festive specials lined up for you lovely lot throughout November & December, right up until Christmas Eve 🎅🏻🔥

Think big, naughty, indulgent Christmas goodness designed to make your waistband question every life choice you’ve ever made.

And honestly… some of these are going to need a bloody warning label. 🤤

🎄 Christmas specials — November & December
🎅🏻 Available right up until Christmas Eve
🍴 Then we’re shutting up shop for a well earned week of eating, drinking and pretending we’re not thinking about work.

So keep your eyes peeled 👀 because our festive filth is coming…

And whatever you do…

DON’T CALL HIM AN ELF.

He’s already got a massive ego.
We don’t need to make it worse. 🧝‍♂️😂

🎄 CHRISTMAS IS COMING, BABY. AND IT’S GOING TO BE VERY, VERY TASTY. 🔥

🚨 Silly SAUSAGE 🚨We’ve put house made sausage rolls on the lunch menu.Not normal sausage rolls.Absolute sausage weapons...
23/09/2026

🚨 Silly SAUSAGE 🚨

We’ve put house made sausage rolls on the lunch menu.

Not normal sausage rolls.

Absolute sausage weapons.

The flavour changes depending on what the chef feels like doing, which is less “carefully curated menu” and more “what if I put THIS in a sausage?”

This week’s specimen:

🐷 Pork
🍯 Honey
🔥 Korean BBQ

And, frankly, cor blimey.

They’re filthy little bastards.

Sweet. Sticky. Smoky. Porky.

The sort of sausage roll you eat and immediately think,
“Christ, I’ve made some good decisions today.”

We may be biased, obviously. We made the bloody things.

But these are properly, irresponsibly good.

Available on the lunch menu now.

Come and get your hands on the sausage.

Before next week’s flavour is something completely unhinged like pork, Marmite and emotional damage.

🌭💀

As it reads. First time we have nothing else to say! Yes you read that right 🫪🤣🤪
17/09/2026

As it reads. First time we have nothing else to say! Yes you read that right 🫪🤣🤪

🚨 LUNCH ALERT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL. 🚨We’ve got a brand-new lunch lineup landing, and frankly… your lunchtime just got a ...
17/09/2026

🚨 LUNCH ALERT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL. 🚨

We’ve got a brand-new lunch lineup landing, and frankly… your lunchtime just got a serious upgrade. 😏🥪🌯

Think classic sandwiches, funky wraps and gloriously gooey toasties — basically, all the things you want when 12pm rolls around and you’ve suddenly decided you’re absolutely starving. 😂

🥪 Classic Sandwiches – the OGs, doing what they do best
🌯 Funky Wraps – for when you fancy mixing things up
🧀 Classic Toasties – crispy, cheesy, melty perfection 🤤

And before the burger crew starts rioting…

🍔 Smash burgers? STILL HERE.
🍗 Fried chicken? STILL HERE.

So whether you want a lunchtime classic, something a bit funky, or a burger that demands extra napkins… we’ve got you. 👊

New lunch menu coming soon! 👀

🚨 NEW ON FOOD.JE 🚨Right then, you lot. We’ve been busy putting some seriously naughty things into the Food.je app. 🍔🌯🌭🍚🍔...
16/09/2026

🚨 NEW ON FOOD.JE 🚨

Right then, you lot. We’ve been busy putting some seriously naughty things into the Food.je app. 🍔🌯🌭🍚

🍔 TUESDAY–THURSDAY

BOGOF ON NAKED SMASH BURGERS

Yep. BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE.

Because sharing is caring… apparently. We recommend not caring. 😏

⸻

🍚 NEW RICE BOWLS

FKFC — £14
House fried chicken • Mexican rice • Jalapeño mayo • Jalapeños • Crispy onions

MOTHER QUACKER — £15 🦆
Coconut rice • Shredded crispy duck • Pickled cucumber • Spring onions

NFC — £14 🥑
Mexican rice • Smashed avocado • House salsa • Jalapeños • Crushed tortillas

⸻

🌭 NEW: (CAN I PET THAT) DAWG

These aren’t your average tinned franks…

These are franks on steroids.

NYC — £14
Giant frank • Yank cheese • Mustard • Ketchup • Crispy onions

ZE GEM — £13 🇩🇪
Giant frank • Sauerkraut • Curry mayo • Crispy onions

BISON — £14 🦬
Giant frank • Blue cheese • Hot honey • Buffalo sauce • Crispy onions

KAREN — £11
Giant frank • Ketchup

Apologies to all you Karen’s. Sorry not sorry!

⸻

🌯 BURRITOS

EL CAPITAN — £13
House fried chicken • Mexican rice • Lettuce • Tomato • Jalapeño mayo

FK ME, I’M SMASHED — £14
Smashed patty • Yank cheese • Pickles • Slap ’n’ Tickle sauce • Fries

🔥 ALL AVAILABLE ON FOOD.JE 🔥

Go on.

Feed the beast.

🌯🐶 OH DEAR… MOSS & TEZ ARE BACK, AND THEY’RE AFTER A PIECE OF THE ACTION. 🐶🌯We should have known better.The minute these...
08/09/2026

🌯🐶 OH DEAR… MOSS & TEZ ARE BACK, AND THEY’RE AFTER A PIECE OF THE ACTION. 🐶🌯

We should have known better.

The minute these two started sniffing around Luma, wagging their big saggy tails (well Tez has a tail, moss has a stub) and giving us that look, we knew they weren’t here just for the biscuits. 👀

They wanted WORK.

They wanted ATTENTION.

They wanted to know what we were doing with all those long, juicy wraps. 🌯😏

So naturally, we put them to work.

Introducing the LUMA LUNCH ‘WRAP’ MEAL DEAL THANG…

🌯 WRAP
🥤 DRINK
🥔 CRISPS

💥 £10.

Yes. TEN QUID.

Moss has already had a sniff.

Tez has already had a feel.

Neither has been trusted anywhere near the kitchen.

And judging by the amount of tail wagging going on, someone’s clearly very excited about lunch. 🍆
…🍌
…sorry, we meant 🥒.

Ahem.

Anyway…

📞 Give us a ti**le
🚶 Come and get your hands on one
💌 Slide into our DMs
📱 Or use Food.je and arrange a little collection at a time that suits you.

COME TO LUMA.
GET YOURSELF A WRAP.
LET MOSS & TEZ WATCH. 👀🐶

It’s only £10.

No strings attached.

Although Moss does have a lead.

And Tez has absolutely no shame.

🎺 DRUM ROLLLLLLL…Right you filthy little food deviants… it’s finally here. 🍔💦We’ve brought back our three favourite ball...
01/09/2026

🎺 DRUM ROLLLLLLL…

Right you filthy little food deviants… it’s finally here. 🍔💦

We’ve brought back our three favourite ballers & dog models:

🐶 TEZ
🐶 MOSS
🐶 FERN

They heard there was something big, juicy and ready to be stuffed and immediately got the zoomies. 👀

Then Stavros from HR called…

We could barely understand him through the heavy breathing, but apparently he’d been sitting alone thinking about things going deep, getting messy and making people sweat.

And somehow, this was the result…

🍔 THE LUMA FOOD CHALLENGE 🍔

3 x SIX-STACK burgers
🧀 Triple Yank cheese
🥓 Triple bacon
🥒 Pickles & Slap ‘n’ Tickle sauce
🍟 Triple fries
🐔 6 LARGE tenders
🥤 Strawberry milkshake

20 MINUTES.

Twenty minutes to get it all in.

No stopping.

No backing out.

And absolutely no complaining when things get a little messy. 😏

Finish the lot?

🏆 FREE.

Plus a framed certificate, your face on the Wall of Achievement and a voucher to come back for another little session.

Fail?

💷 £100.

Stavros says he’ll be watching…

He also specifically asked us to mention that he likes to see people work their way through a big one until they’re completely stuffed.

We’re not sure why he said that.

We’ve contacted HR.

HR is Stavros, We’re screwed.

WHO’S GOT THE MINERALS TO TAKE THE WHOLE THING? 🥜

Pre-book 24 hours in advance.

We really need a new HR department. 😂

🍔 HAPPY NATIONAL BURGER DAY, YOU FILTHY LOT 🍔Apparently it’s National Burger Day, so obviously we’re legally required to...
27/08/2026

🍔 HAPPY NATIONAL BURGER DAY, YOU FILTHY LOT 🍔

Apparently it’s National Burger Day, so obviously we’re legally required to tell you about our burgers.

We’re not bragging… because that would be terribly unprofessional.

But let’s be honest…

OURS ARE F**king MINT. 🍔🔥

Big, juicy, cheesy, filthy little patties that deserve either worship, praise, or at the very least you putting one in your mouth. 👀

You could spend today pretending you’re being healthy…

Or you could make a sensible adult decision and come and absolutely destroy a Luma burger.

🍔 COME WORSHIP AT THE BURGER ALTAR

📱 OR ORDER THE DIRTY LITTLE THINGS ON FOOD.JE

Warning: things may get messy.

Napkins are provided. Dignity is not.

Happy National Burger Day, you hungry bunch of lovely hoomans. ❤️🍔

🎪🤡 FUN HOUSE TASTING IS BACK🤡🎪Right then, you bunch of absolute filthy food loversFUN HOUSE IS BACK. 🎪Our guest chef was...
20/08/2026

🎪🤡 FUN HOUSE TASTING IS BACK🤡🎪

Right then, you bunch of absolute filthy food lovers

FUN HOUSE IS BACK. 🎪

Our guest chef was meant to be joining us again…

Unfortunately, he’s washing his hair.

Yes. Really.

So once again, we’ve had to give our very own chef the keys to the kitchen and basically say:

“Go on then, you dirty bastard… surprise us.” 😂

And judging by the last one, you lot bloody loved it.

It was a SELL OUT, plates were emptied, glasses were emptied, and quite frankly some of you looked like you needed a little lie down afterwards.

So obviously…

WE’RE DOING IT AGAIN.

🎪 10TH SEPTEMBER
⏰ 7PM
💷 £37 PER HUMAN
💰 £15 DEPOSIT TO SECURE YOUR PLACE
🚨 ONLY 18 PLACES AVAILABLE

Expect another twisted little tasting menu designed to push some boundaries, tickle your taste buds and generally make you wonder:

🎧 DJ STEFUNK IS BACK 🎧

Providing the soundtrack while our chef plays fast and loose with your dinner.

So get your arse in our DMs or DOG & BONE US to secure your spot.

18 HUMANS. THAT’S IT.

Bring your appetite.

Leave your dignity at the door.

You’ve been warned. 😈

Address

25 Halkett Street
St. Helier
JE24WL

Opening Hours

Monday 09:00 - 19:00
Tuesday 09:00 - 19:00
Wednesday 09:00 - 19:00
Thursday 09:00 - 19:00
Friday 08:00 - 21:00
Saturday 08:00 - 21:00

Telephone

+441534491575

Website

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when LuMa Cafe posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Contact The Business

Send a message to LuMa Cafe:

Shortcuts

Share

Category