05/29/2018
Relationship Influence
by: Zachary Lee
What does it take for someone to have real relationship influence with someone else? Our world is so diverse, with differing beliefs, faiths, and values that it can become overwhelming to think about how you can positively influence someone else. Yet, if you look at high achievers, those individuals that no matter what, no matter the situation, continuously win in this arena, I find it fascinating how they do it versus someone who struggles in finding their way.
What I have found is that genuine relationship power is found when you’re able to influence someone without coercion. It’s the ability to make a request of someone without attempting to give them negative consequences for not complying with what you want. Because of the mutual respect that you share with the person you’re influencing, you share a bond of trust, confidence and a desire between the two of you to go above and beyond for one another in order to be helpful.
In order to have true and positive relationship power the best role models I have learned from are willing to be influenced from those around them as much as they attempt to use their personal relationship power. The greatest leaders, spouses, parents and friends are those that are equally comfortable leading as they are following.
Friendships
Think about the people you consider your closest friends. What are the common qualities that they all share between them that brings you to the conclusion that they are your best friends? Most likely one of the biggest shared qualities is the fact that they would do anything for you and you would do anything for them. Need a ride to the airport at 4am on a holiday weekend? No problem, you know who to call. Sick kids and need help picking up the one healthy one from school? No worries. Have a parent or close family member pass away unexpectedly, they’ll be there for you.
Intimate Relationship
The strongest couples I work with and have the opportunity to meet have a pitch and catch attitude when it comes to their support of one another. They not only feel comfortable in this ebb and flow of their relationship, but they seek out opportunity to follow in their relationship as much as they attempt to lead. This isn’t to over simplify the fact that in all relationships both partners are going to have different strengths that the couple can rely on more for certain life requirements or events that come up. However, couples who have the highest satisfaction in their relationships are able to make more, frequent requests of one another for help, guidance and support to use there influence with one another without fear of rejection or negative repercussions.
Children
Children are tricky. Sometimes I feel like the only way that I can get my 3-year old to do anything is with coercive power. If you don’t do this right now, then you’re going for a timeout. Ever been there? With children, it’s important to remember that these moments, if done correctly are momentary and not forever. Instead, it’s through your consistent approach with those around you that you are modeling for your kids the best way to create long-lasting healthy relationships where you can influence and be influenced.
Work
Work is another tricky one because not everyone you work with is someone you would choose to spend time. This is where real relationship power can make or break a great leader.
In the beginning of my career, learning to navigate in the workplace as a manager was a painful process. Young, and inexperienced, I had the bright idea that being put in charge of a team meant that those on my team worked for me, rather than understanding that by being promoted I was being given the opportunity to raise my level of giving for those I was leading.
The best leaders that I have experienced, the ones with real power, are the ones that their teams know that their boss would do anything for them and is always looking for ways to help them succeed. These types of leaders can ask anything of their teams and their team members are more than willing to rise to the occasion.
The other part of this equation is that in scenarios where you have a positive influencer who is leading a team, the amount of job satisfaction, fun, and productivity goes up for longer sustained amounts of time, vs a boss who uses temporary influence with coercion.
This isn’t anything you don’t know, but it is important to point out that we all would rather go to work for someone we like and trust vs going to work for a person that makes us feel like they take our work, our career, and our time away from our families and friends for granted.
The question for today is to ask yourself what type of personal influence and personal power do you have? Are you happy with the amount of influence you have with the people you love and the people you work with? If you’re not, it’s possible it’s time for you to raise your expectation of yourself rather than for those around you. By giving your best self to those you engage with, they will want to be better versions of themselves for you.
