07/01/2026
911 TRANSCRIPT ā āITāS TOO DAMN HOTā
DISPATCH: 911, whatās your emergency?
CALLER: Maāam I aināt got an emergency, I got a situation. It is TOO. DAMN. HOT. Iām sweatinā in places I didnāt even know had sweat glands.
DISPATCH: Sir, the temperature is high today, but thatās notā
CALLER: High? HIGH? My mailbox is leaninā over like itās tryinā to find shade. My dog done laid down in the kiddie pool and refused to come out. He said heās claiminā it as sovereign territory.
DISPATCH: ā¦Your dog said that?
CALLER: He barked it with authority. Thatās legally binding in this county.
DISPATCH: Sir, do you need medical assistance?
CALLER: I need yāall to send somebody with a cold front. A breeze. A church fan. SOMETHINā. My AC is blowinā air that feels like somebody exhalinā on me after eatinā hot wings.
DISPATCH: Have you tried staying hydrated?
CALLER: Hydrated? I drank so much water Iām basically a human aquarium. Iām sloshinā when I walk. My thighs sound like two wet balloons fightinā for custody.
DISPATCH: Sir, this line is for emergencies only.
CALLER: THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. I opened my front door and the heat slapped me like I owed it money. My flip-flops melted into the driveway. Iām barefoot and spiritually defeated.
DISPATCH: ā¦Sirā
CALLER: My neighbor Earl tried to fry an egg on his hood as a joke. It cooked. It COOKED, maāam. He ate it. He said it tasted like despair.
DISPATCH: Sir, unless you are in dangerā
CALLER: I AM IN DANGER. Iām one degree away from turninā into a rotisserie chicken. If I pass out, bury me in the freezer aisle at Piggly Wiggly.
DISPATCH: Sir, please stop calling 911 for weather complaints.
CALLER: Fine. But if I melt into a puddle, thatās on yāall. Tell my family I loved them and tell Earl to stop cookinā hood eggs.
DISPATCH: Goodbye, sir.
CALLER: SEND A BREEZE.
Credit to original writer š