Espresso Italiano Presents Clarette's

01/03/2017

Espresso Italiano Presents: Clarette's: Presents: Burn After Feeding: Chevre; Yes, It Is a Goat Cheese: George Clooney eats 45 different types of Food and John Malkovich Says 45 Different Types of F**k: the Lengths We'll Go For Love and Plastic Surgery: a Documentary of One Year of the Lives of George Pitt and Brad Clooney: a Comprehensive Review of Burn After Reading

Aren't we all simply wasting, watching Family Feud in the kitchen in a robe pouring a little cognac back into the bottle because we want a quad and not a quintuple? Was it our born identity? No.

Was it OSbourne identity? We are all Osbourne, my friend.

Osbourne who? You ask. Well.

What do you get when you pour Francis McDormand, a few shakes of infidelity, profane Russian conspiracies and Tilda Swinton's accent into a glass? A coldbrew coffee cocktail even Malkovich couldn't sweeten. Sprinkle in both George Clooney and Brad Pitt simultaneously realizing their careers and indeed their selves are eternal punchlines, deciding to do a movie together and trying to prove they were aware of it the whole time, and you've got yourself a Molotov.

I'm sorry for calling at such an hour, but I thought you might be worried... about the security... of your heart.

Yes. THIS is Osbourne Cox!

Francis McDormand plays ball like Shoeless Joe, but this Black Sox gamble needs some Pitt Stevia to sweeten the pot. There's a rush for money and a rush for love, and McDormand steals home as Clooney winds up for the su***de squeeze. Pitt gets murdered, and she trips halfway to home...

They might as well have called her BrumTilda, because this damsel's performance should be locked up and guarded by a dragon. We've all had French Toast, but have we ever tried French Ghost? Ooh la la.

Osbourne's memoir, chocked to the lid with juicy secrets from his days in the CIA, is found by Pitt, whose character's name is entirely forgettable because we are now seeing Brad in his truest human form.

Blackmail is a tough game, as we all know, and Mr. Black (as Pitt goes by when dealing with Osbourne Cox) comes through like the charcoal shower of oily pour over drops we wait for every morning. Cappucinyes, I'll take a carrier tray, because this expert portrayal is staying with me for a long time.

There's no coffee breaks with this cast, as the laughs are a mile a minute and Burn After Reading is 135 minutes long, meaning we've got 135 miles of laughs before we realize Malkovich and crew have a little left in the tank: the bloopers at the end of the movie are not only heartwarming, they're heartburning.

If Clooney cloned a clove, would Pitt pitch a pitt? It's an upTill battle to answer this riddle, and Franckly, my dear, I don't give a damn! Here's lookin' at you, Pitt, you've Bradley even gotten started, but a comedy career could work, isn't it pretty to think so? George, George, George of the jungle, indeed! We've got a bombshell here, folks, and though there's about eight people who could potentially defuse it, it looks as though this is the road less traveled. We're not sure if we could even any longer deal with these... people... but if there's one thing I do know, it's that this red-rocket of a tour-de-force is the car I've always wanted... and I rule! Burn After Reading will drink your milkshake, and when it's done with you, oh will it ever be calling out to the butler: “I'm FINISHED!”

We've got some slaps, some craps, and even some chaps. There's a d***o seat that only requires some rockin' my friend, and you sway into it with ease... Burn After Reading is a story of espionage, but more than anything, it is a story of ESPY homage; how many athletes can we squeeze into one gym? Only one way to find out: I'll take a double-tall—classic, yet rich every time.

What the f**k? Asks Malkovich. Need we say more? More like, need we say mocha!

07/22/2014

"It's a Bathing Suit, Silly!": "I Thought it was an Eyepatch": Masquerade and Mai Tais: The Story of One Week of Love and the 102 Minutes We Get to Witness it: 6 Days 7 Nights, Reviewed

When David Schwimmer concluded his acting career in 2004 with the final episode of Friends, he (in all likelihood) thought to himself, "this is it. This has been the hallmark of my seemingly impossibly emasculated career."

Lest we forget, David, that 6 Days 7 Nights happened. You thought you could just slip that one under our noses, like 3 little birds nesting in the nook of your perpetually crinkled forehead, but No: We see through your false Redemption Song, and we know what you know: with No Woman, No Cry.

What a brave performance, Schwimmer's, for a man who has played nothing but a strong masculine character throughout his career... in 6 Days 7 Nights, we see him truly separate the sinkers from the Schwimmers. For on a foreign land, the island of Matanui, a man's problems are either solved like a sweet Pina Colada, or they fade like the sweet crema must fade from one's Central Perk espresso.

Meg Ryan throws in a wild performance as Robin Monroe, the lost New Yorker thrust into a life of Island Time and Island Wa... wait a second, that wasn't Meg Ryan. I knew she was too hot to be Meg Ryan. That was Anne Heche. Anyways, Anne Heche throws in a wild performance as Robin Monroe, the thrusty and unambiguously insecure New Yorker type characther who is too confident for her own confidence until faced with the ennui of an "Island Lifestyle."

But she didn't expect to be plane-wrecked with Quinn "Harrison Ford" Harris. And from there, the rest is herstory. Schwimmer's honeymoon turns into a playdate with Bianca. Meg's honeymoon turns into a moondate with Indiana Jones.

"I've flown with you twice, and I've crashed half the time. And there is NOTHING. WRONG. WITH MY T**S" says Meg, as she embarks on honeymoon 2 with a man who doesn't act like a dog that just peed on your carpet and wants to do anything and everything to make up for it.

But Quinn "Harrison" may as well have said "get off my plane."

The two quickly fall in love as they struggle to survive on their deserted island. Because when there's trouble in paradise, you're still in paradise. And the love can't come soon enough.

When we get bored with the fact that this movie is boring, we see some pirates. They want to kill Quinn and Meg, but for some reason, can't. All 10 of them. There are 10 pirates. And Meg and Quinn are in a safety raft three hundred feet offshore. But Bluebeard got blueballs, and Schwimmer's blueberries made a pie with Quinn's blue eyes, and nobody knows from whence love shall come. Coffee, anyone? That's what I THOUGHT!!

In the end, 6 Days 7 Nights is a story of redemption. We may not have the Golden Compass, and we may not, when appropriate, Pay it Forward, but we will always think true love is as original as Frindle. And When Frindle takes us, there is nothing to do but lift your mug to your mouth, take a long whiff, and ask yourself: just how long IS 6 days and 7 nights?

Meg put it best: "I've had just about as much vacation as I can stand."

And with that, I bid you bon voyage as you embark on this epic, epic movie.

04/04/2014

Espresso Italiano Presents: Clarette's Presents: Drinking Alone With my Favorite Drinking Buddy: A Netflix Movie I Chose Because I Was Drunk: Drinking Buddies: A Succinct and Complete Documentary Representation of Ron Livingston's Career and a Movie about Drinking With Your Buddies and Falling in Love With Them and then Back Out of Love with Them Because You're Too Drunk: A Review of Drinking Buddies

Ron Livingston's career began, most will tell you, in 1999 with his tour de force performance as Peter Gibbons in Office Space. What would surely be an Everest for any actor's career, this role seemed to be the crema of Livinston's craft--the Arabica of his art. Fourteen years later, though, he turned that single tour de force into a doppio with his sparkling performance as Chris in Drinking Buddies.

It is a movie, first and foremost, about Ron Livingston. He quotes Camus, takes another man's love interest out for a picnic lunch in the lush forrest of I don't know which city this movie takes place in, and even provides a giddy-inducing pastiche of his other most famous role, that one where he holds the boombox up: High Fidelity. There are no grains at the bottom of this cup; Ron gives us a smooth ride from foam to finish. But what about the other characters?

They are all drunk. Julliard grad Jack Johnson took time away from his Kona Krooners tour to put in a solid performance as Luke, the goofball beer brewer who is the perfect guy until it turns out he's not. And then there's Jill. And then there's Kate, played by Oscar Wilde's great great granddaughter Olivia Wilde. But the apple fell far from the tree; I wasn't wild about her performance, and it certainly wasn't Oscar-worthy.

It is a movie about the cloudiness of love... the milky cloud of love that flows into our previously dark lives, and the sugar that we add to it because it still isn't quite enough. Two couples diverged in a yellow wood, and boy do they need a cold cup of coffee! The best friends think they love each other, and they should just make out. But where there's a beer, there's no way, and where there's no way, there's beer.

As Oscar put it, "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken". And could a quote ring more true to this movie?

Drinking Buddies, in the end, reminds us that Ron Livingston is one hell of a versatile man. We all could use a drinking buddy when we're drinking alone, and I, for one, know that this movie will shoot you through the roof and crash you back down again. And when you're done watching it, you have two options... you can either crack a beer, or you can just watch the movie again. We're all drinking buddies, here, folks. Cheers!

11/15/2013

Espresso Italiano Present's: Clarette's Presents: Walruses Have the 2nd Largest Pen*ses of Any Mammal--the First Largest is "50 First Dates": A Review of the Documentary Film "50 First Dates".

What happens when Drew "E.T." Barrymore wakes up with a baby on a boat in Alaska with her father, her steroidal brother, and a strange man named Henry (veteran actor Adam "Click" Sandler of "Jack and Jill" fame)?

Spoiler Alert: Drew Love's Kiss.

Few movies capture the calamity of falling in love as well as this one does... fifty times.

The first date is remarkable. The next 49 are like the smooth froth of milk atop a bed of hot espresso. Through Cappucino-like montages, the original Sandler script dips us like a biscotti--fifty times. And after each plunge, we emerge into the sweet Hawaiian air.

And yes, the soundtrack delivers. With such nineties Hollister Ballad tracks as 311's "Amber" and Bob Marley's "Don't Worry", your toes will be tapping along with Sandler straight into Barrymore's memory bank.

It's no surprise that "Fifty First Dates" has, since its "Inception" gone onto serve as a "Memento" to other directors' "The Notebook." ; )

Recommended for a first date. Or, if you have a severe mental disability prohibiting you from remembering anything but the present day, a first fifty dates. Have we all seen "Fifty First Dates" forty nine times already? We, for one, believe we have.

Barrymore said it all:

"Henry, wait! Can we just have one last first (True Love's) kiss?"

11/12/2013

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFw5a5Bp_Pw

Elvis Presley - Viva Las Vegas [Movie Music Video] Bright light city gonna set my soul Gonna set my soul on fire Got a whole lot of money thats ready to burn...

11/12/2013

Seemed like a cute enough place to stop for a coffee or smoothie, and I've passed this place so many times because I'm staying in a condo up the street for the extent of my vacation.

I feel like this place must be mainly frequented by locals or something, I don't know. What I do know is that the service was horrible and the prices were higher than expected. Yes, I get that they're (I assume) independently run and a local/small business...so the fact that they have prices a bit higher than normal? Fine. That said, the woman who waited on me was downright rude...I felt like she was just trying to get me out after someone she obviously knew walked in about a minute after I ordered my drink. I had ordered a smoothie and was waiting for it, but she basically waved me aside (as I was trying to order one of the delicious-looking snacks that sit on the counter, none the less) and she started carrying on a conversation with the women who had just walked in.

I'd never visit here if only because I felt like she completely lacked any hospitality or customer service skills. Ugh