09/24/2026
Okay, folks. Oddy, Chief Freshness Officer for ZaRonis here. Apparently, we need to have a little chat. It seems that some of you are having a tough time separating real life from fantasy, and I have to take some time from my day to set things straight.
It's been brought to my attention that somebody has been calling the restaurant, concerned that I am apparently a dastardly criminal mastermind, wreaking terror on the innocent citizens of our fair city. Before I go into detail, I want to take a moment to assure you that I am not now, nor have I ever been, part of any criminal empire of any sort. I'm just a silly goose, given the reins of a super-fresh pizza and mac joint's social media. That's all.
You see, part of my job here at ZaRonis, is community engagement. To that end, I spend a few hours here and there, replying to messages and comments on our own posts, as well as visiting the pages of other local businesses, organizations, and even just community groups, and dropping a goofy comment here and there. Sometimes, I'll make a heartfelt comment, for example, if I see someone posting about having a bad day, coming on hard times, what have you. But that's honestly pretty rare.
Being who I am, I'm clowning 99.9% of the time, making clever, witty comments to amuse the masses, and I think it's pretty clear that's all that's going on.
For example, Tamara's the Cake Guru recently posted about their incredible-looking fruit pizzas they're promoting. So, to be a little wacky, I commented, "Hey lady, you're stepping on our turf!"
Now, obviously, nobody at ZaRonis has any issue with the one and only Cake Guru selling fruit pizzas. That would be ridiculous. We don't even DO fruit pizzas at ZaRonis, and if we did, they'd be so good, the competition wouldn't even stand a chance against us. (Be grateful, lady! You don't want no enemies here! [See? I'm doing it again! Wacky, I know!])
All that said, I did recently find myself stumbling along a post on a community group page, where a user was telling a story about their package being swiped off their front porch, and they had reason to believe it was their neighbor who'd done the deed. An issue I think we all know a little something about, either directly, or by way of a friend or loved one. It sucks, that anyone would be so callous as to take someone else's package out from under them, and my heart genuinely goes out to anyone in that position. It's happened to me in the past, and it's super frustrating.
To try to lighten the mood, I commented something along the lines of "I'll swipe a delivery bag and a car topper from work, if ya wanna try to pull off a Shinobi No Mono/Mission: Impossible/Ocean's 11-style heist to get it back!" I purposely mentioned THREE separate fictional movies to emphasize the silliness of my statement. Can you imagine? My fat ass, hanging from a wire in a top-secret, high-security room with pressure -sensitive floors? I'm getting a nosebleed just thinking about it!
Now, if I'm allowed to have any faith in humanity whatsoever in this, the year of our lord two-thousand-and-twenty-six, I HAVE to believe that NOBODY in their right mind would think that I, operating on behalf of the greatest pizza and macaroni place in all of Wisconsin, was AT ALL being serious in this comment. In a time of ever-pervasive surveillance, especially in online venues, you would have to be downright INSANE to think that someone acting in a professional context, would genuinely offer to commit BURGLARY on behalf of a perfect stranger, let alone assemble a team of 11 specialists in various nefarious fields to do so. I DON'T EVEN OWN A NINJA SUIT!
Yet here I am, working on editing a video, when the boss calls to inform me that someone has been calling the restaurant, bothering our head chef, and complaining about this goofy, off-the-wall comment, OBVIOUSLY made purely in jest.
That being said, please be aware that while I am clearly playing a fool in many of our tiktoks and reels, I am not an idiot. I am a clown, not a moron. I would never engage in such illegal activity as breaking and entering, theft, wire fraud, hacking, demolitions, or any other questionable actions such as those that appear in any heist, espionage, or ninja movie. And if I DID, I wouldn't talk about it in a public, online forum, while essentially wearing a ZaRonis shirt and name tag, so to speak.
The literacy crisis in this country is real.
My shenanigans will not stop. My antics will not be stifled. I will continue to post and comment as the oddball I am, and I am entirely supported by my boss, the owner of the restaurant in these endeavors. I keep things PG-13 for the most part, I embrace both the wholesome and the ridiculous, and even when I'm being snarky, it's all in good fun. The positive response I get here and on our other social media platforms far outweighs this nonsense, and I'm not about to let an episode like this ruin the fun.
If you ever have a problem with a post or comment you find made under this account, message me HERE about it, don't bother the hard working staff at the restaurant with this nonsense. They have nothing to do with what I do here, and they generally have no idea what's even going on in the online sphere. I'll hold your hand as I explain what's actually going on, and I'll give you a sucker afterwards if you don't cry. (That was sarcasm, I'm not buying a bag of suckers for idiots that don't understand a joke.)
So, for ZaRonis, this is Oddy the Chief Freshness Officer, saying "Drink some water, tell your friends and family you love them, don't forget to take your meds, and the heist goes down at midnight." 😉
💛❤️
