04/02/2019
Let us reflect on the 10 commandments of Maryland crab feasts:
#1 When buying crabs, order mediums when you’re having guests over. Order larges for you and your better half. Order jumbos when ain’t nobody within 500 feet. And smalls are just rude.
#2 Every picking style is both right and wrong. Legs first? Apron first? Butter knife? Mallet? Vinegar? Save your claws to the end? Just don’t wear a bib.
#3 Once you touch a crab, IT'S YOURS. None of this weighing-each-crab-with-your-hand stuff. Like the guy who guesses your weight at a carnival, use your eyes, fatty.
#4 With pizza, everyone gets the same number of slices. But with crabs, it’s like: 3...2...1...EVERYONE EAT AS MANY CRABS AS YOU CAN AND SCREW THOSE SLOW EATERS!!
#5 You’re being monitored. By everyone. Not cleaning your crab completely? You’ll get called out. Not eating your claws? You won’t be invited back.
#6 Don’t dare ask anyone to pick a crab for you. You pick crabs for yourself. If you’re a newbie, we’ll teach you ONCE, so pay attention. If you pull off a meaty backfin, show it off! If you cut yourself, keep eating. No tears.
#7 If you leave the table to wash your hands, you become everyone’s personal slave until you’re back. Take orders, clear shells, get hair ties. Grab me another drink!
#8 Crabs are just an appetizer. Three hours of snacks before you fire up the grill. Have some corn, shrimp, tomatoes, and Utz chips and dip in the meantime.
#9 The last man/mom standing at the table gets bragging rights. “You guys done already?” she asks. Respect.
#10 If you’re invited to a crab feast, that means you’re special. We don’t just invite anybody over. It’s love. Be sure to say, “Good crabs!” or “Really full!” or “Lots of mustard!” even when they’re crap.
*and NEVER, EVER, say “I only eat the claws” and proceed to pull them off the crabs in the pile or you’ll be shot! (Lol)
