08/22/2026
HELP WANTED
Guy’s Nuts is expanding.
I recently picked up the Twin Turbo Nut Burner 7200 to increase nut production. As it turns out, the damn thing does more than play with nuts. It also makes fudge.
And because apparently I have learned absolutely nothing from naming a company Guy’s Nuts, we will soon be introducing four varieties of fudge: Chocolate, Pecan, Cashew, and Peanut.
Which has created an unfortunate and completely unavoidable staffing situation.
Guy’s Nuts is looking for someone to pack fudge. Yes, that is the actual job.
The ideal candidate should be ambidextrous, comfortable working with nuts, and capable of packing fudge for extended periods without becoming distracted, emotionally compromised, or so immature that production comes to a complete halt.
Good attention to detail is essential, and hygiene is an absolute must because nobody wants sloppy fudge packing.
Applicants should be quick on their feet, efficient with both hands, able to delicately but deliberately pack fudge without whining or complaining, and maintain a clean work area while packing fudge with Guy’s Nuts. The successful candidate must also be capable of handling nuts of various sizes without making unnecessary comments.
Previous fudge-packing experience is preferred but not required. Frankly, if you already have professional fudge-packing experience, I have several questions and probably don’t want the answers.
Training will be provided. It will be hands-on, unfortunately.
Applicants must also be mature enough to work in an environment where phrases such as “pack the fudge,” “grab Guy’s Nuts,” “those nuts are too big,” “put more nuts in there,” “that sack isn’t full,” “use both hands,” “you’re squeezing it too hard,” and “we need another sack” may all be spoken during a perfectly legitimate workday.
If you giggle every single time, you’re probably overqualified.
If you can keep a straight face while enduring an endless onslaught of double entendres and innuendos while packing fudge with Guy’s Nuts, you may have a hearing impairment. Once again, probably overqualified.
Job Requirements:
Ability to stand for extended periods. Ability to work with both hands. Excellent hand-eye coordination. Attention to cleanliness. Comfortable handling Guy’s Nuts. Willingness to pack fudge repeatedly. Ability to explain to friends and family what you do for a living without making eye contact.
Benefits Include:
Competitive pay. Flexible hours. Free samples. Unlimited access to Guy’s Nuts. A rapidly deteriorating sense of professionalism.
And absolutely no dignity whatsoever.
Applications may be submitted to Guy’s Nuts. Please do not include photos demonstrating previous fudge-packing experience. I cannot stress that enough.
THIS IS VERY CLEARLY A PARODY HELP WANTED AD.
Although the fudge is real, the nuts are real, and sooner or later somebody really is going to have to pack the damn fudge.
Guy’s Nuts.
Awful Names. Awesome Taste.
