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Thursday 5pm - 10pm Friday 4pm - 10pm Saturday 4pm - 11pm

https://www.facebook.com/105065354362208/

Dark Arts Rebel Kitchen, Weston-super-Mare (2026)

03/04/2026

A man stopped me on the street.

Said he had a deal.
I don’t refuse deals.

Couldn’t give it all to the kids.
So I took it apart.

Put it back together wrong.

Chocolate.
Spice.
Crunch.

No balance.
No permission.

DARK ARTS KITKAT CHAAT.

I don’t make things that make sense.
I make things that work.

28/02/2026

Tonight’s energy = 🔥

Kitchen’s moving, burners are screaming, chutneys flying, and Mundian To Bach Ke is doing exactly what it always does — making shoulders twitch before service even starts.

D.A.R.K. LOVES is officially underway at Loves Café ✨
Tonight is completely SOLD OUT (thank you 🙏), but we’ve got a couple of spaces left for tomorrow if you want to come experience the chaos properly.

Indian flavours. Street energy. Tasting menu attitude.
No fluff — just bold food, loud music, and plates that don’t sit still for long.

If you know, you know.
If you don’t… tomorrow’s your chance.

📍 Loves Café, Weston-super-Mare
🔥 Dark Arts Rebel Kitchen

KitchenVibes IndependentFood TasteNotTrend

01/02/2026

We have a handful of seats remaining for our next popup on Sunday 1st March at Loves Cafe....

Here's a menu.

Course I — Awaken
Black garlic • Kashmiri chilli • tamarind • indiam lime • smoked salt
A savoury paani. Drink it in one.

Course II — Three Chaat Ritual

Tamarind Bomb
Potato • tamarind–jaggery glaze • sev

Green Fire
Coriander & mint chutney • lime • green chilli • mustard oil

Dry Acid Crunch
Chickpea • amchoor • red onion • roasted cumin

Course III — Vada Pav
Spiced potato vada • garlic–chilli dry chutney • tamarind • green chilli • buttered pav

Course IV — Urad, Perfected
24-hour black urad dal • smoked tomato • slow butter tadka
Poppadom shard • fermented green chilli

Course V — Lotus Root, Lime & Dust
Crispy fried lotus root • fresh lime • chaat masala • Kashmiri chilli

Course VI— Semolina Halwa,
Fine semolina • jaggery • cardamom • almond milk
Finished with ghee and salt

This menu does all the speaking I need to do.

DM to book.

£50 per person.

Be hungry.

07/01/2026

Thanks for being all hungry and excited and stuff!!! There's enough of you clamouring for another sitting that I've caved in and agreed to another night.

You're all so needy.

DM me to book!! Those who were on waiting list get priority cuz that's how being fair works..... hear that Trump? Being fair gets you better results. Just saying

DM for more political diatribe or to book.

03/01/2026

It would seem that we are fully booked.

If you've messaged to reserve a table but haven't confirmed your booking by payment of the necessary payments then we will hold the table for 72 hours, after that it gets passed onto the next person on the waiting list.

If money is an issue because January, Xmas, Brexit etc, then drop me a mesasage and we can work something out.

I'm off to start panicking about feeding 40 people 6 courses.

That's 240 plates of food, plus Anna will probably skulk around wanting some as well.

02/01/2026

This is D.A.R.K. Love

Not a curry night.
Not a tasting menu for people who “don’t do spice”.
Not here to play safe.

D.A.R.K. Love is a one-night-only 6 course tasting menu.
Indian street food dragged into the light, refined, and pushed somewhere darker.

You’ll drink your first course.
You’ll eat with your hands.
You won’t be asked if it’s “too spicy”.

📍 Loves Café, Weston-super-Mare
📅 Saturday 28th February
💷 £50 per head
🎟️ Strictly limited seats

No substitutions.
No repeats.
No second sitting.

If this is for you — you already know.

23/11/2025

🔥 DARK ARTS COOKERY SESSIONS IN YOUR HOME 🔥
Saturday Nights Only Throughout 2026.

Looking for a Christmas gift that isn’t socks, toiletries, or a last-minute panic buy?

Give them, or yourself, something unforgettable:
A proper cooking experience — bold, modern, Gujarati-inspired, Dark Arts Rebel Kitchen street-food chaos — with a lunatic taking over your kitchen.

We cook properly, at a natural pace (even if that’s a snail’s pace), and you finish with a dish that tastes exactly how it should.
Nothing rushed. Nothing staged. Just real cooking with big flavour.

________________________________________
⭐ LEVEL 1 — (£65pp, minimum 2)

A Dark Arts dish of your choice (from my menu obviously) cooked in your home
The legendary coriander chutney to take it up a level.

At the end, I turn what you’ve cooked into a finished plated meal with — something that actually looks intentional, not just “a pan of stuff”, I might even raid your fridge to pep it up with some crazy Dark Arts logic.

A fun, high-flavour, no-nonsense introduction to Dark Arts cooking.

Perfect for couples, mates, beginners, first Tinder dates, or anyone who wants a proper introduction to outrageously good food and how to use the spice cupboard.
________________________________________
⭐ LEVEL 2 — Home Cookery Experience (£140pp)

You cook two dishes plus the two essential Gujarati chutneys (coriander + garlic).
I bring all the spices and know-how.
You give over your kitchen and I’ll teach you how to use it.

We take our time — exploring technique, seasoning and balance — and when everything tastes right, you sit down to a chef-finished meal that feels like a night out… except it happened in your home, and you cooked it.

A proper evening built around great food with loads of Instagram-able moments and of course a full evening of puerile humour dripping with sarcasm.
________________________________________

⭐ LEVEL 3 — Private Dining Experience (POA)
This is not a class.
This is Dark Arts Rebel Kitchen private dining — bespoke menus, live cookery, demos, questions, plating, and a multi-course dinner for your group, with loads of options and pairings.

________________________________________
🔥 EVERY PACKAGE INCLUDES:
✔ I come to your home
✔ All spices + masalas included
✔ Gujarati-rooted technique (real vaghar + proper balance)
✔ Dark Arts street-food creativity
✔ Chutneys taught in Levels 2 & 3
✔ A proper plated meal at the end
✔ A relaxed, “we cook until it’s done” approach
✔ An experience you cannot get through UberEATS

________________________________________
➕ OPTIONAL ADD-ONS

Spice Tin – £40
Personalised Dark Arts masala tin with the exact spices I use.
Perfect gift add-on.

Garam Masala Pot – £5
A small pot of my mums garam masala blend — fresh, fragrant, and far better than supermarket versions.

Chai Spice Pot – £5
My Dark Arts chai blend — warm, punchy, aromatic and perfect for masala chai, baking or spiced drinks.

Fresh Ingredients Bolt-On
I bring ALL the fresh ingredients for your session.
Level 1: £25
Level 2: £35 (one) / £50 (two)
DM to ask questions, to book, and to secure dates.

22/10/2025

Not much else to say to that is there really.

Well done if you got in.

Sucks if you didnt.

There's always next year.

If I'm not deported by then.

15/10/2025

🎄🔥 DARK ARTS XMAS FEAST 2025 🔥🎄

Apparently, I “made the UK a third-world country.”
Meanwhile, I’m out here colonising taste buds and setting turkeys on fire — intentionally.
They threw racism, I threw masala gravy.
Now everything smells faintly of cardamom, roses, and poetic justice.

This isn’t dinner.
It’s culinary reparations — with extra saffron.

And since half the country’s suddenly following, I figured I might as well put your outrage to work.
You boosted my reach; now let’s boost my revenue.
Christmas presents don’t pay for themselves — especially when Santa’s migrant workforce keeps ending up on Tommy’s naughty list. 🎅🏾

Here’s what’s going down this Christmas 👇

🍽 Starter
✨ Christmas Pani Puri Baubles — crisp shells stuffed with spiced potato & cranberry, dusted in edible silver.
Served with cranberry-tamarind “Christmas Spirit” shots, because nothing says festive like a sweet-sour slap of reality.

🍗 Main Event (Too Much is Still the Point)
🔥 Butter Masala Turkey — roasted, carved, and drowned in silky masala until it forgets Bisto ever existed.
🥧 Samosa Wellington — puff pastry rammed with spiced potato, peas, and roasted veg — the most flavour you can legally fit inside pastry.
A glorious mountain of sides:

Spiced Roasties with cumin & curry leaves

Saffron & Cardamom Pulao Rice

Masala Brussels Sprouts (redemption arcs are real)

Honey & Nigella Seed Carrots

Masala Roast Parsnips

Black Garlic & Chilli Naan Stuffing

Curried Cauliflower Cheese

Smoked Broccoli with Chaat Masala

Masala Gravy Pot (basically religion at this point)

🍰 Desserts — choose your downfall
🖤 Black Cardamom Sticky Toffee Pudding with jaggery-treacle sauce & saffron-cardamom cream
☕ Chai Masala Bread & Butter Pudding with spiced rum custard

💀 £55 per head
💀 Order in multiples of two
💀 Delivered Christmas Eve (reheat & feast — complete with passive-aggressive instructions)
💀 We said “only 30 available” … but we lied.
We’re squeezing in more than a Channel-crossing dinghy with extra stuffing.
💀 DM to order before someone screenshots this for the Daily Mail again.

Festive. Excessive. Probably still offensive.

💀 DARK ARTS REBEL KITCHEN 💀
We don’t cater. We confront.

14/10/2025

Woke up to find these comments on my wall this morning. So whilst I took my morning s**t..... I've written a response.

The image you post isn’t an instruction manual. It’s a mirror.

It shows what empire always looked like — one side lecturing civilisation while looting it, standing knee-deep in stolen land explaining toilets to the people who built mathematics, medicine, architecture, and language before the Romans brought you plumbing.

So when you say “import the third world, become the third world,” what you’re really saying is that history makes you uncomfortable when it stares back. The joke isn’t on me — it’s on the myth that empire civilised anyone.

Food remembers what history forgets. Every curry, every spice, every stolen recipe is a receipt written in turmeric and blood. Dark Arts Rebel Kitchen exists to reclaim that and embrace that.

We are the world you invaded, rebuilt, and renamed — now seasoning your Sunday roast with the truth you buried.

If that feels threatening, it’s not because of flavour. It’s because power doesn’t like being told it’s tasteless.

Sit down. Eat up. And next time you taste spice, remember — the world you call “third” taught yours how to eat.

Prick.

05/10/2025

Confrontation Served Warm.

They said this flag wasn’t ours.
That flavour had a colour.
That belonging came with seasoning limits.

But here we are — brown hands, red cross,
and food that refuses to play by the rules.

This isn’t catering.
It’s confrontation served warm.

I made the St George’s Cross a little more… complex.
Notes of cumin, coriander, and coloniser tears.

St George never met me.
If he had, he’d know dragons aren’t always the monsters —
they’re sometimes just misunderstood immigrants with better recipes.

But don’t worry — I’m not here to steal your country.
Just your spice rack.

And if England’s flag can’t stretch wide enough for everyone,
maybe it’s not the flag that’s sacred — maybe it’s the lie.

🔥 Dark Arts Rebel Kitchen — private dining, feasts, and collaborations
for the bold, the curious,
and the ones who know England’s story tastes better with spice.

📩 DM to book your next feast, private dining, or catering experience.
Come hungry. Leave changed.

Dark Arts Rebel Kitchen

03/04/2026

28/02/2026

01/02/2026

07/01/2026

03/01/2026

02/01/2026

23/11/2025

22/10/2025

15/10/2025

14/10/2025

05/10/2025

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