15/06/2026
Dearly Beloved,
We’re gathered here to say our goodbyes to the penny - our stalwart of irrelevant currency. As of Monday, June 15th, we will no longer be distributing pennies as change - all transactions will be rounded to the nearest 5 cents.
We held out as long as we could, for what reason, we’re not sure. It seemed fair. It seemed just. But our bank has put their foot down. We will miss good ol' Abe. Throwing him in fountains. Rolling him down hills. Tossing him in the air to avoid accountability for the decisions we made. Using him to tighten our shoes. Good times.
He is survived by literally any other form of legal tender, though, so let us who live take solace in each other. Rest in pence, old friend.