17/11/2019
Internal Monologue
Day 1: By afternoon; really why am I here, it is so difficult to sit in one place, I cannot close my eyes, I am gazing at others through my half closed eyes and pretending to be in meditation. Can I run away from here? I actually bunked 2 hours of session and slept.
Day 2: Ok now I can at least close my eyes and by afternoon I am in a state of bliss with my eyes still closed. Some sense of peace. Again for some time I slipped out of the hall and found ultimate comfort in my bed.
Day 3: I am looking forward to sit and close my eyes.
Day 4 onwards the reactions were mixed sometimes I was in a state of trance and at other times I was extremely bored, fidgety maybe sitting and abusing somebody. Waiting for the bell to ring. Dreaming about all the food I would eat once I am out here.
One day I dreamt so much about the gol gappas and cheesy pizzas that night time I started feeling hungry. I actually ate 2 spoons of honey that I had and then only the sounds in my stomach subsided.
Vipasana is a very personal experience, as a form of meditation, it is inarguably too good, but definitely difficult to practice. One needs to be physically and mentally prepared to do Vipasana. It is not just another meditation that you can try or stop by. Extremely logical and with my prior meditation experience it filled in the gaps in my knowledge.
Things I got to know about myself:
I could sit for long hours
I enjoyed keeping my eyes closed
I could meditate and sit in one posture only early morning when I am half asleep, best time for me to meditate or a thought is so pleasurable that I am totally lost in it, that I do not feel my body, the aches and pains. I am actually like a monkey which can be controlled only when intoxicated.
People who know me may find it weird but actually practicing Mouna was the easiest thing, infact I could have extended it for another 10 days.
Infrasctucture: It was so well organized not for a second I thought to ask something. Rules and regulations were well defined. Food was amazing. Actually that came to my rescue when it was hard for me to meditate.
Location: Kanpur, I am glad to choose that place. Honestly people run for Dehradun and Dhramshala the best centres, but I am glad that I had the opportunity to visit a small place. The fellow participants were from Nagpur a big group from remote areas. There were people like my grannies, really old, who have done Vipasana, 14-75 times. This was inspirational. I thought Vipasana is a big deal by city standards but these women have been practicing since ages, even with a hunched back these women can sit all day without back support was marvelous. I am sure I would not have witnessed this at such a large scale in other centers.
I was also happy that there were not much cute guys to distract me in my practice, I had no urge to speak to anyone. There was a foreigner girl Kristen, moment the “mouna” was broken all the aunties flocked around her asking her questions and she would mostly reply America, I was her translator thereafter. Aunties posed questions to me for Kristen, so my position was like a tennis ball from one court to the other. Some aunties even said you both can talk, we just like the sound of what you speak. They were in awe of her white beautiful skin, everybody wanted a selfie with her and aunties pulled out all the known connections in America to have some commonality with her.
My last day in Kanpur: I met three local aunties in Vipasana who offered me to drop home. One of them even offered me to show around the city and chaat and malai makhan my weak point. Of course I could not say no. I had a gala time with her daughter going around the city on her scooty and checking and chilling out in student areas. We had malai makhan, khaste and kullhad ki chai. I felt so comfortable with strangers that when I was at this aunties place we were all sitting wrapped in a blanket and chatting about any and everything, she told me so much about her herself and family. It felt as if I have known her ever since. One thing I realized when we as humans open up and trust the others we may really end up having a great time and meeting new people. She and her daughter are like family to me now.
I stayed at my friend Akash’s place, he is like a typical Kanpuriya. “Chutiya” is like a lullaby and his go word. He says “ye to hum pyar se kehte hain”. I had a great time at his house as well. He had a round rolly polly dog Tulmul. Akash would take me on his bike for chaat. He would stop at every nook and corner greeting and gossping with people,”aur Sharma Ji, aur Dwidedi Ji”. I liked the slow and small town life. People are relaxed, in the evening they do addebaazi. People are just sitting outside their houses, gazing at the people going by and if you ask them the gossip for the day I am sure they will be super updated. Life is simple, inexpensive and slow. People are still connected and they visit each other, a stark difference that I could feel as a city dweller.
Overall I had a great trip and I would say Vipasana is for everyone and one should do it to know themselves and try their limits.
