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Bernard LeCox Reviews, Swansea (2026)

10/08/2026

The Bryncoch Sizzling Bar and Grill: I once did a n**e photo shoot that was described as "Sizzling"... well, it made people's eyes burn at the very least.

I was in Bryncoch today and I was mortified at what I found. There was no Red Hill! I was lied to. I rang the local council to inform them of their mistake and offered them several alternative names! BernardLeCoch, LeCoch, Mount Bernard, Bryn Terfil... I was told in no uncertain terms to "sod off". So I did.

It was starting to get late in the evening by this point and I need to eat as ever. But where oh where to eat... then a fragrance wafted towards me, and like my grandmother Gertruidd Contraria Rbbbt LeCox (Gertruidd with TWO Ds and the "Rbbbt" to be pronounced as a "Raspberry Noise") always used to say to me:

"A goose won't sniff a moose unless they wear three top hats, a bow tie on their right front foot and Paco Rabanne, 1 Million for men."

(Off her rocker, that woman.)

I walked a little further down the street and found The Bryncoch, Sizzling Bar and Grill, and the allure of beer and grub was too much for me to bear after such a stressful day!

I wandered inside and the atmosphere was bouncing with a wide medley of people. There was one person doing a very good impression of John Cleese in the Ministry of Silly Walks. Another man who was built like a brick sh*****se on steroids (he could have crushed me with his pinky). And another woman who was the spitting image of Ursula the sea witch. A true medley of folks.

I waited for a moment at the podium just inside the door before realising it was there purely for decoration. Each to their own, I guess.

I wandered up to the bar and was told to take a seat wherever one was available.

I did the Macarena to my seat and, would you believe it, I sat down.

Perusing the menu, I wasn't sure what to try until I stumbled upon the Mix and Match deal. 5 essentially tapas for £21. It was excellent value for money. Sounded ideal. It gives me a chance to taste a little of everything.

I ordered via the app and this is where I have a problem. Despite some people calling me an idiot, I did earn my degree in English. Does it mean I have a scrap of intelligance? Nope. Do I have any common sense? No. Do I understand technology? No. Do I want a mental breakdown before a meal? No!

This app was a nightmare. Brain surgery is easier. Rocket science is easier. Explaining complex nuanced political theory to the orange idiot over the pond is easier!

The app on my phone kept crashing. It refused to load, like a toddler who refuses to eat their vegetables. If my hair wasn't white already it would have been by the time the sodding app decided to work.

I booted a goose in frustration!

But eventually, and I mean EVENTUALLY, I got there.

Here is what I ordered: Spicy Chicken Nachos, Panko Prawns, Pulled Pork Tacos, Korean Chicken Wings, Salt and Chilli Chicken Fries.

I will break it down, from worst to best:

Pulled Pork Tacos: Waste of time in my opinion. They were average and so small and lacking in meat I truly wouldn't bother. The flavour was good, the quantity of meat, not so much. It was more of a salad tacho than a pulled pork tacho.

Spicy Chicken Nachos: Okay. The guacamole and salsa were average, as were the nachos. You could buy better in Tescos in my opinion.

The Salt and Chilli Chicken Fries: Very tasty but nothing to write home about. When I come back, and I will, I'd have the halloumi fries or Southern-Fried Chicken pieces in their place.

My joint two favourites:

The Korean Chicken Wings: In a word, "banging". They were really tasty and well seasoned. The dip provided was tangy and complemented the wings perfectly.

Panko Prawn: Holy mother of the Ten Bernards. I didn't have one, or two, or three, but nine whole prawns, and they were delicious. Juicy and tender. The sweet chilli sauce was an excellent compliment.

Now, I am aware that 99% of what I tried were frozen, but it was good quality.

The Bryncoch, Sizzling Bar and Grill (4/5): I would still recommend changing the name to Bryn Terfil, purely for the "lols"...

03/08/2026

My most detested Evri... other postage companies are better and more reliable than you,

You have become one of my letters of complaint. A prestigious title. An award, if you will? But sir or madam or something in between, know this is not an award of which to be proud! No! It is a mark of shame!

But who am I, I hear you ask, to criticise you? You, sir, are in the presence of greatness! For I am Bernard LeCox, the greatest food-reviewing wizard in the world! I was the tutor to Hermes, messenger of the gods (get it). I delivered the letter from King Henry VIII to Pope Clement VII when he seceded from the Catholic Church. It was only four words: "get it up ye"... not the wordsmith people think he was. History only remembers the highlights, I suppose... I also invented the stamp. No punch line. Just a fact.

So you see, I am more than qualified to write to you about postage.

Now, I understand that you have a quota. A budget. But who in the name of the Ten Bernards are you employing? People who have taken severe blows to the head? Lobotomy patients? Victims of the guillotine? Because they weren't acting like their heads were screwed on properly. I am honestly asking!

For I was sat in my living room, being bored to death by a window salesman, waiting for a parcel. Yet no knock came. No attempt at delivery was made.

I was going out to do one of my hilarious food reviews (allegedly), and I had to pull the recycling bags in, for the night before was recycling night, whereupon I discovered my parcels. Yes, parcels plural!

Why in the name of all that is holy would you put what is clearly clothes and a very expensive plushie into the food waste bin? I have met several idiots (Donald Trump, Baldrick, Thicky McThickface and Lord Di**it of Idiotown), and even they would know not to put clothes in a food recycling bin!

I know you have a reputation for "drop-kick delivery style" and "haphazard fragile care", but is this too hard to understand?

DO NOT PUT ANY PARCEL IN THE FOOD RECYCLING BIN!

I repeat.

DO NOT PUT ANY PARCEL IN THE FOOD RECYCLING BIN!

Nobody wants their new slippers or a very expensive plushie smelling of bin juice... well, unless you're a bit simple... like your delivery drivers...

Also, knocking isn't too taxing. If you can open a bin, you can bloody well knock on a door!

Yours most stupidly,

Bernard LeCox

(DO NOT PUT ANY PARCELS IN THE FOOD RECYCLING BIN)

19/07/2026

To whom it may concern,

Below is my CV (money doesn't grow on trees) as I need a job. So if you are in need of THE food reviewing wizard, let me know!

Curriculum Vitae

Name: Bernard LeCox
Address: 34 Olympus Mons, Mars Crater, Mars, ALT36 AZ99 (can teleport so travel is no problem)
Email: [email protected]

Personal Statement:

I, Bernard LeCox, am the greatest food reviewing wizard in the world. I have a vast array of jobs and careers spanning several millennia. You name a job and I can swear to the Ten Bernards I have probably done it. Plague Doctor, been there and cured it. Who do you think started the Great Fire of London? Engineer? I am an expert. I personally designed the Great Pyramid and the Leaning Tower of Pisa. I was a little drunk when I designed the last one. I’m very brilliant but aware of the limitations of my abilities. Plumber, I know it all. I am proud of the fact that I invented the U-Bend toilet.

As you can see, I am highly qualified and experienced in almost all aspects of the current workforce needs.

Employment History:

Court of Henry VIII, Marriage Counsellor (1509-1547)

- Keeping a level head on my shoulder
- Heavy lifting and teamwork (especially in the final years)

Healer, Mystic and Adviser to the Royal Russian Court (1905/1916)

- Use of magic; became first aid proficient
- Cured Alexei of Hemophilia
- Cured the Tsar’s chronic constipation
- Survived being murdered

Dojo Master at Chuck Norris Martial Arts School (1962-2026)

- Roundhouse kicks; recycled moves from my days at the Moulin Rouge
- Only man to beat Chuck Norris in a foot wrestling match
- Proficient in free climbing rock faces
- Can crack an egg clenched in my butt cheeks

Head Metal Fabrications, Vatican City (54-64AD)

- Gate Builder for Saint Peter
- Key Maker for the Kingdom of Heaven
- Installation of stained-glass windows and leadwork

Education:

Everything. Anything. There is literally nothing I can’t do. I have no limits and am a genius at everything

Career Highlights:

Court of Henry VIII, Marriage Counsellor (1509-1547)

During my time at Hampton Court, I was invaluable to the then King Henry VIII. When it came to his 5th wife, I said to him “listen Henry, this is the last one you can murder. You’ll get a reputation as being a bit of a knob.”

I was very comforting to the wives on the way to the chopping block and offered them some sage advice. Like “Tuck and roll”.

Reference: “Bernard was very loyal and faithful even when I was a bit of a grump. He’s reliable and dependable.” King Henry Tudor 8th

Phone number: 020 3166 6000 Email: [email protected]

Healer, Mystic and Adviser to the Royal Russian Court (1905-1916)

During this time, I went by the name Rasputin LeCox and there was a terrible shortage of razor blades in the Royal Court of Russia. During my time here I became very proficient in “Magic First Aid”. Very similar to regular first aid, but with magic and some glitter.

I also learned how to survive being murdered. You employ me and I’ll share my tips and tricks.
Reference: “Удалось остановить кровотечение у сына и дать моей жене очень хороший совет. Очень надежные руки.” (Managed to stop my son’s bleeding and gave my wife some very good advice. Very secure pair of hands) Tsar Nikolas II

Phone Number: +7 926 886-66-87 Email: [email protected]

Dojo Master at Chuck Norris Martial Arts School (1962-2026)

During my time here I learned a very unique way to make an omelet. Also, my high kicks and roundhouse kicks got so high I had to retire after giving myself a concussion and whiplash.

“I have never heard of this man. Is he the guy who broke into my house last year?” Chuck Norris CEO

P.S. Also very good with locks and missing keys.

Phone Number: 0800 044 3550 Email: [email protected]

Head of Metal Fabrications, Vatican City (54-64AD)

You should have seen the size and quality of these gates. They were gigantic and made of pearls and gold. Took me eons to build them. But he was happy with the quality in the end.

“Bernie is a cool cat. You'll dig him!” Saint Peter the Apostle

Phone Number: +39 06 698 85426 Email: [email protected]

Skills and abilities:

I can do anything and everything and I do it with flair and magic! (also, some glitter)

I also know the Macarena and the Cha Cha Slide

Yours most eagerly

Bernard LeCox

18/07/2026

Rupert's Neath: I once loaned a pair of my trousers to a bear called Rupert... never got them back... thieving git!

Yawn noise... My lord, I have been quiet for a little while. My sister, Maxwell Murgatroid McGonigal 3rd (a fat and very unconvincing transvestite who looks oddly similar to the Biker from the Village People if he put on a bit of timber), did a cannonball and caused a tsunami in Thailand, and I've been busy in the recovery efforts. Not to worry though, I'm back now!

The question is, where do I start? I have a massive backlog of reviews in need of writing. A lot of food I have tasted. So, why not go back to somewhere I'm familiar with? Neath.

How can I best describe Neath... Imagine, if you will, a toilet and you accidentally drop a diamond cluster ring into said toilet... that is Neath. A toilet with the odd gem shining through.

I was trundling along over the Rhos Mountain using my camel-drawn unichariot (for those wondering, it's a chariot with only one wheel. Why make life easy with two wheels?) when I suddenly became very hungry. I passed the Ponty Inn, no thanks. I passed Rhos Fish and Chips, excellent. I passed the Dyffryn Arms, also excellent. But I wanted something new... which is when I stumbled on Rupert's on the roundabout just before Neath.

I parked up my camels (their names are Jeff 1 and Jeff 2, easier to remember) and wandered inside the building. I walked through a reception area for a beauty salon (the receptionist said, "Sir, there is nothing we can do for you... you are too beautiful!" I said, "I know...") and into Rupert's.

"Alright, Bernie!"

Oh God, no, it was my sister, Maxwell Murgatroid McGonigal 3rd.

"Here for lunch?" she asked.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Getting my chins waxed."

Now there is an image that's haunted my dreams.

"I'm here for lunch," I said. "Care to join me?"

"Sure!" she said. Would have been weird if she said no to food.

We sat down and read the lunch menu. What a selection! I settled on the Chorizo Brunch (sautéed chorizo and potatoes with cream cheese, spring onions and Parmesan on toast), while Maxwell ordered the Mushroom Brunch (herby mushrooms, spinach, cream cheese and Parmesan on toast) with a black Americano to drink.

We waited five minutes and the coffee arrived. It was wonderful. Rich, umami, and would knock the balls off an elephant with the caffeine content. Very impressed. I like my coffee like I like my rhinos, strong, scary and black.

After another maybe 20 minutes' wait, Maxwell and I discussed the meaning of life (we decided it was cheese and the Broadway musical Hairspray). Our food arrived and, boy, did it exceed expectations!

My toast was loaded higher than Mount Everest with soft and sweet potatoes, salty and spicy chorizo, tangy and wonderful cream cheese, funky foot cheese Parmesan, fresh and crisp spring onions and fantastic toast. What a meal. It was absolutely faultless.

Maxwell said the same of hers. There wasn't anything to fault. It was seasoned perfectly, cooked perfectly and tasted of what it should!

In all, our experience at Rupert's was outstanding. Food and service second to none. Certainly one of the gemstones in the toilet of a town called Neath!

Rupert's (5/5): Excellent food and excellent service, although I would still like my trousers back!

12/04/2026

Oh my dearest readers, fans and detractors,

You wouldn't believe the last week I’ve had! I took a fall and had a head injury. Don’t worry, no damage done, and my brain is fine. I’d have to have landed on my arse to hurt my brain.

As a result, I am combining part 2 and part 3 of the Swansea Food and Drink Festival into this one post so I can get back on schedule!

3) Thai Flavours - Hot Honey Chicken Noodles - I was once a teacher in Thailand (then Siam), where Yul Brynner and I fell in love, and I became his queen... good times...

We rounded the corner to see a school choir singing (I am not going to critique a children's choir. I may be mad, but I’m not a monster) when we spotted Thai Flavours. I adore Thai food. It’s the perfect blend of umami, spicy, and sweet!

I perused the menu and settled on the Hot Honey Chicken with veg fried noodles. The price: £12.

Listen, folks, for me this was the high point of the festival. It was so good.

Loads of noodles, which were cooked perfectly in these well-worn woks. The chicken on top was generous, juicy, and kicked a very good punch.

Top notch.

I barely had a mouthful before Maxwell had a try, and she ran off screaming down the street like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, shouting “My Precious!” and shovelling the food down as she did.

Thai Flavours (5/5) - I fell in love with this place like Yul Brynner fell in love with me.

4) Mr Dumpling and Bao Bun - Pulled Beef Teriyaki Bao Bun - I took a Dump(ling) earlier that probably tasted better than this Bao Bun.

After I managed to recapture Maxwell, who had decided to hide in Swansea Marina and disguised herself as a Humpback Whale, we got back to the food festival. I decided to try some more Asian cuisine.

I have had bao buns in the past. They are generally hot, steamy, and packed with flavourful fillings... this one wasn’t any of those things.

The bun itself was stone cold, chewy, and very dense. It stuck to my teeth and the roof of my mouth like peanut butter. It tasted of absolutely nothing.

The pulled beef teriyaki was bitter and very salty (bit like some of the places I have reviewed! Alright, Loaf, how’s it hanging? Ponty Inn, you doing well? Miss you both). It was also, at best, lukewarm.

The lettuce was yellow and discoloured, and the mayo (I assume it was mayo) tasted of absolutely nothing. The only fresh item was the spring onions. Maxwell tried a little, and we both concurred it was deeply unpleasant. I did try to complain, but they seemed uninterested. The cost: £8.50 not worth 85p.

Mr Dumpling and Bao Bun (1/5) - best part of this meal was dumping it into the bin!

5) Olive Corner Ltd - Chilli infused olives and mushroom and garlic olives - for the price they charged me for a box of olives, I could have moved to Italy and bought an olive grove!

This is going to be a shorter review. Maxwell had wandered off to buy dessert, and I was left outside Olive Corner Ltd.

The server was very rude and very pushy. When asked the price, he shrugged and said, “scales will tell.”

I got nervous when I saw an older lady order two slices of baklava and get charged £20!

For my olives and feta, I was charged £28. I had to have a sit down. This was nothing short of daylight robbery. No prices. No care. And, in checking reviews online, I’m not the only one they caught out.

Olive Corner Ltd (1/5) - the olives were great and very tasty; the server was a Mediterranean Dick Turpin.

6) Loaded Sausage Co - The Little O.G - All Heil The Sausage King!

The return of Cedric!

As Maxwell was still off debating the topic of dessert, I decided I needed to try and find something tasty to take the bitter taste out of my mouth after being ripped off.

I walked back up towards the stage and saw the stand of Loaded Sausage Co. Now these are what I call a sausage. Move out the way, junction; there’s a new stallion leg in town!

These beasts were two feet in length! Wow.

The owner and chef (whose name I stupidly failed to catch) was clearly very proud of his product. He bragged (as would I, given how good these were) about how he made the sausages himself, selected the meat cuts himself, and did the seasonings himself... he was a passionate guy with a clear love of his product!

As I had eaten quite a bit by this stage, I decided to go for the Little O.G with garlic onions. Cost: £8, which, for the quality of the bread and sausage, was a bargain!

I’ve had a lot of hotdogs in my life; these were by far the best I’ve ever had! The skin crunched, the juices burst, and the flavour was outstanding.

Loaded Sausage Co (5/5) - best hotdog I have ever had, bar none, to date. The sausage king for sure!

As I finished, I heard a shrill shriek from behind me.

“Not so fast!” a shrill voice cut through the air.

I sighed. I knew he’d be back. Cedric, the leopard-liking lunatic of Lebanon. The ginger-haired cat burglar of Cwmbran (he steals cat turd from litter boxes; I have no idea why).

“I am the sausage king. I am Cedric! Behold the sausage king,” he decreed to a befuddled crowd, wielding two large black puddings, with a whip on his waist made of a curly Cumberland sausage.

Boy... I don’t know what he’d been sniffing, but he’d sniffed a lot of it. Maybe that’s what he does with the cat turds?

“Cedric!” I called out.

It startled him, and he turned to face me.

“So you are the sausage king? Then become a sausage!”

I grabbed my magic wand, my LeCox, and cast a spell.

“Cumberland, Cumberland, bangers and mash! That crazy nutter, turn him into a hot hog!”

Cedric turned into a giant hotdog and fell onto the wet floor, squealing. Within seconds, a seagull swooped down and carried him off over the Quadrant Shopping Centre, followed by a group of very jealous gulls.

7) Choc Shop - Hot Raspberry Brownie with chocolate sauce and whipped cream - I used to run a croc shop that sold Crocs to crocodiles... nobody was snapping them up.

Maxwell returned to see a seagull carrying a squealing hot dog.

“Cedric?” she asked.

“Yep.”

Maxwell shrugged and laid down a brown box in front of me. I opened the box and was presented with a hot brownie, chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and raspberries.

This was excellent. The presentation left a little to be desired, but never judge a book by its cover. The brownie was hot. The chocolate sauce was rich. The raspberry was sharp and tangy. The whipped cream acted as a good palate cleanser.

The Choc Shop (5/5) - I’m not even a massive chocolate fan, and it was stunning. Really good.

And last, but certainly not least...

8) Cafe Cannoli - Chocolate, Hazelnut, and Lemon filled cannoli - holy moly, look at that cannoli!

This is the final chapter of my Swansea Food and Drink Festival review. Some of you are saying, “thank God.” Some of you probably tuned out. Others who made it to this point, congratulations—you have earned that sweet treat, drink, or other indulgence! Good on you, and thank you.

After finishing off the brownie, Maxwell put the last bag up on the table, pulled out a box, and presented me with three cannoli.

Maxwell once presented me with a box that turned out to be the Ark of the Covenant (I didn’t expect the Ten Commandments to be held in Tupperware, but there we go), and it melted off my face... Indiana Jones style... don’t worry... I got better!

I tried the chocolate first. Rich, dense, and freshly filled. Quality. Quality. Quality!

Maxwell had the lemon-filled one: light, airy, and super refreshing after all the food we ate today.

Finally, the hazelnut cannoli; again, impossible to fault it. These are very, very good cannoli!

Cafe Cannoli (5/5) - ending on a high note, these cannoli are a must for anyone at a fair.

This concludes my Swansea Food and Drink Festival. Maxwell and I couldn’t eat another morsel and could barely move as we left.

P.S. No Cedrics were harmed in the writing of these reviews... probably...

04/04/2026

Swansea Food and Drink Festival 3.9/5 (I rounded up my average mark across the nine vendors I tried) – I once tried to organise a food festival to bring peace amongst warring Amazonian tribes... I got nervous when they started pointing at me and then to a big pot above a fire... needless to say, I skiddadoodled out of there on my pogo stick as quickly as I could!

This is my first food and drink festival review. I thought I’d take the "adult toy" approach to food festivals... start small and then go big!

We arrived in Swansea dock via my nuclear submarine (one can’t be too careful in the current world). With me on this journey of discovery was my sister, Maxwell Murgatroid McGonical 3rd (a fat and very unconvincing transvestite who is a pretty convincing Freddie Mercury lookalike), and a new and dear friend, Chairman Colin DeClaptrap, a wild-haired, pencil-moustached fellow who resembles Gomez Addams after an electric shock (he sells second-hand dining furniture and insists on being called a Chairman).

As we marched into Swansea city centre, turning heads and confusing most of the population, we took in the sights of its so-called ‘gentrification’.
The people of Swansea are fantastic and have a relentless spirit, but the council have grand ideas with no clear timeframe for completions. Their timelines are like the shifting sands on the planet Slla-byd-nas, where the tide comes in and out at random. Slla-byd-nas, home to the crab people. Not a very forward-thinking society.

Rather sideways...

I digress...

On with the food!

The first place we came to was:

1) Sizzlers Prime Meat: Sausage Rolls – as a larger gentleman, I’m used to rummaging through rolls for a sausage...

Roll...

And these did not disappoint me.

Chairman Colin DeClaptrap, Murgatriod, and I were entranced by the sausage rolls as we tried the samples of the sauce and the sausages. The lamb sausage with Jack Daniels sauce, and also the mushroom sauce, were out-of-this-world good.

The gentleman behind the counter was thrilled to tell me about the quality of his meat—sausage meat. After the samples, we tried the:

Traditional sausage roll: this was absolutely banging. Best sausage I’ve put in my mouth for ages. Herby. Meaty. Thick. Bit like my ex. The pastry was flaky and tender.

The chilli sausage roll: punchy, sharp, and spicy. Meaty and of an excellent quality.

Pork, apple and crackling: now this was a game changer. Holy sausage God (I believe his name is Sooty), this was excellent. The flavour was next level.

After the final bite, Chairman Colin DeClaptrap exploded into a twelve-piece Chippendale dining suite. Must have been his allergies.

Sizzlers Prime Meats (5/5) – very good quality and very, very tasty.

2) Harry's Hog Roast and Caterers – the court proceedings during my last divorce turned into a hog roast, but Harry’s was tastier...

After an antique dealer came by and bought Chairman Colin DeClaptrap, it left me with a bit of cash in my pocket for the rest of the festival. Maxwell and I perused the different food on offer. It was then we saw: HOG ROAST.

I love a hog roast. One of my favourite foods. I ordered the food and had a conversation with the owners. They were telling me about the cost of a whole hog for a private event. I asked if they had ever done one for a Bar mitzvah or Ramadan. They said, oddly, not.

We waited for a few minutes, making idle chit-chat. They were cooking the fries fresh. They plopped (funny word) them into a cardboard container. They then topped them with pre-cut pork held in a bain-marie. This is where I have a problem. If I go for a hog roast, I want it cut fresh from the hog.

And before people start busting my balls over this, I have been to several non-food-related gatherings where that is exactly what you get. You see the spit-roasted hog and it’s carved fresh. Sitting in its own juices, it’s closer to pulled pork than a hog roast.

Then, without even consulting us, they loaded the fries and pork with nacho cheese and crispy onions. WHY!? I can’t be the only one who believes this is sacrilege. It’s got to be gravy, stuffing, and apple sauce.

Regardless, we carried on like a bird in flight. The young lady asked us what sauce we’d like on top. From the plethora offered, we settled on sweet chilli.

We waddled off to a bench to try the food.

It was tasty. The pork, which I was worried about, wasn’t dry and was absolutely packed with flavour. The nacho cheese sauce tasted of nothing. Maybe it added moisture? The fries were screaming for more salt. They tasted like standard frozen French fries. The only discernible, punchy flavour came from our choice of sweet chilli sauce.

Portion size was decent. The price was £10 for this. If I ordered this at a restaurant for £10, I’d be disappointed. But as a street food vendor at a festival, it was pleasant and filled a hole. Maxwell concurred with me.

Harry’s Hog Roast and Caterers – loaded fries (3.5/5) – good, but would be better with pork gravy, stuffing, and apple sauce, as opposed to the nacho cheese sauce the same colour as Donald Trump.

This concludes part 1 of this 3-part series. Stay tuned. The next two parts will be released tomorrow and Easter Monday, all willing! Take care, and may the ten Bernards bless every one of you.

27/03/2026

The Stables; I am, as many of you dear readers know, anything but stable… cockadoodledoo

This is not the review I had planned for my 100th review, but it is the review I got. Sadly, due to scheduling errors, I have been unable to get all of my family to the intended venue for my 100th.

This is one of the downsides of being an international, interdimensional man of mystery.

The name’s Cox. LeCox. Ian Fleming stole that line from me. I am actually responsible for several famous catchphrases and books: To Kill a Coxing Bird, stolen by Harper Lee. For Whom the Cox Tolls, swiped by Ernest Hemingway. Ten Little Cox Boys, pilfered by the hack writer Agatha Christie.

I digress…

I was in Ystradgynlais with my sister and partner in crime, Maxwell Murgatroid McGonigal 3rd (a fat and very unconvincing transvestite with a moustache like Tom Selleck). She was here to see the dentist. A horse dentist, as she doesn’t fit in a regular dentist’s chair.

As I waited for her, I walked around Ystradgynlais. I was going to go back and see my old friends at the Loaf but, as I didn’t have a year and a half to kill, I decided against it.

I crossed the road and walked up to the far end of town towards the Ynyscedwyn Arms when I noticed the ground shake. Vases fell from shelves, car alarms rang out, and birds flew away in terror.

“All sorted, Bernie!” Maxwell said as she came up behind me.

“All good?”

“All good, fancy lunch?”

I did, and we happened to be stood directly outside The Stables.

Visually, this is a stunning restaurant, with the river flowing beside it. The interior is very modern and fresh. It was extremely busy, which is a good sign. We went inside and up to the counter, told the young server that we’d be sat outside. Maxwell and I both dribbled at the sight of the doughnuts, which looked excellent. The server told us to sit down and she’d bring the menus out to us.

We sat down and read the menu. Lots of very appetising options on the brunch menu. But we both decided to have The Stables Breakfast.

A waitress came out to us and took our order. Maxwell mentioned she was cold, and the waitress said that a couple were just finishing up and she’d call us through when they cleaned the table down, which was very kind of her.

We sat for a few minutes. I watched the river flow. I saw a blue tit hunting on the water. I love t**s. Blue t**s, coal t**s, great t**s... I once said to Alan Titchmarsh…

Within about five minutes we were called through and sat down next to the window overlooking the river. The interior was very small but very fresh and modern. I imagine on a summer’s day the outside would be delightful.

After five minutes, our coffee arrived. I had a black Americano. Very tasty it was too. Freshly ground beans. Very good quality.

After ten minutes, our breakfasts arrived. Mine with poached eggs, Maxwell’s with scrambled eggs.

The presentation was amazing. Really pretty plate of food. I’ll break the meal down:

The bacon was thick and of good quality, but there was only one piece of back bacon. The sausage was also of good quality and better than your standard breakfast sausage, but it was on the small side; not the fifth leg of a stallion you get in the Junction Café. Four cherry tomatoes cooked perfectly; soft but firm, full of flavour. Two poached eggs and a sprinkling of chives; one was runny and perfect, the other one was on the turn between soft and hard. One slice of sourdough toast; again, it was a small slice. The beans were your standard beans and they were served in a tiny pot, no bigger than a shot glass. Again, very small portion.

One packet of Anchor butter, thoroughly melted. Literally, I poured it onto my bread rather than spread it.

The quality of everything was second to none. It was all very good. There just wasn’t enough of it. This, with coffee, was £14.75. This isn’t really going to fill you up for a day’s work, in truth.
I liked everything, but for that price I want more. Two bacon, two sausage, and two pieces of toast.

Like Noah’s Ark; two by two.

The Stables (3.75/5) very good quality, just lacking in quantity.

Bernard LeCox Reviews

10/08/2026

03/08/2026

19/07/2026

18/07/2026

12/04/2026

04/04/2026

27/03/2026

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